The Baguette Barge
by Olympya
Summary: Slightly crack!fic. Written to prove a friend that Picard/Crusher and a barge that sells baguettes could work.


Jean-Luc Picard stared at Beverly Crusher. It was his favourite pastime – noticing those moments when she wandered off into space and he was free to observe her without consequence. Knowing, as she so often did, she would snap out of her reverie before he could manage to drag his eyes from her – Jean-Luc forced himself to stop eyeballing her before the inevitable happened.

"Big Daddy to Schnookums. Come in Schnookums."

Beverly Crusher's eyes immediately met his but retained their dreamy disposition.

"Hmmmm?"

"I asked if you were okay Beverly... You seemed to be half way across the cosmos," he chided, barely containing a deep chuckle.

"Not quite Jean-Luc. For once, I had limited my imagination to this quadrant alone."

"Oh?"

"What quadrant are we in Jean-Luc?"

"Delta quadrant. You already know that Beverly. Why is that important?"

"Why is that important? Jean-Luc, don't tell me you don't remember?"

"Remember what, Beverly?" Jean-Luc was starting to become somewhat irked by Beverly's deliberate ambiguity.

"You _don't_ remember do you? Jack, Walker, me..._you_? It was YOUR idea!"

"The Baguette Barge" he whispered, as the realisation hit him.

"The Baguette Barge" he said more loudly so that Beverly could hear him. He needn't have. She'd heard him the first time. Where the words 'Baguette Barge' were concerned, Beverly was all ears.

"Yes," she breathed. "Makers of all things tasty and baguettey. Please tell me we can stop by Jean-Luc. Please."

Who was he to deny this divine goddess anything? No one. And to deny himself the pleasure of a 'Baguette Barge' baguette? Unimaginable. At least the baguettey goodness would allow his mind some respite from wandering to the woman standing before him.

"Picard to Bridge," he commanded, tapping his comm. badge. "Set a course for 42. 57. 12. Warp 8. Engage when ready."

"Aye Sir," came the reply.

"Oh thank you! Thank you so, so much!" exclaimed Beverly, embracing him and planting a huge smacker of a kiss on his cheek as she turned to walk out of his quarters. "I'll never even begin to be able to thank you enough...Big Daddy..."

The doors to his quarters closed just in time to hide Jean-Luc's face turning as crimson as his jumpsuit jacket.

Beverly squeezed Jean-Luc's arm, barely containing her glee as the 'Baguette Barge' insignia appeared on the Ready Room monitor.

"I'm so excited Jean-Luc! It must have been nearly 20 years since the day you brought us here!"

"19 years and 3 months," replied Jean-Luc. _*You were wearing that gorgeous blue mini sundress...well...not that you could really call it a dress. Gods, those legs go on forever,*_ he added silently.

Beverly noticed his far off look and asked, "Thinking back to that day Jean-Luc? Great, great times. Excellent company and so much baguettey goodness."

"Yes, yes. The company. The baguettey goodness. That's exactly - ."

"We are Baguette Barge

Such a perfect place

A variety of fillings

To meet your taste

Tuna, cheese or ham

Here, you'll find no spam

Baguette Baaaarge

Baguette Baaaarge

Baguette Barge for all yoooooour neeeeeds."

"OH. MY. GOD JEAN-LUC! They still have that same jingle. They haven't changed in 20 years! - "

"Good day! Welcome to the Baguette Barge. Provider of baguettes to the stars. My name is Mindy and how may I help y'all today?" rang the sing-song voice of the waitress on the screen, clad in a red and white candy stripe uniform.

"Good day," started Jean-Luc. "We'd like to order – "

*Tweep* went the door chime to the Ready Room.

"COME!" barked Jean – Luc.

"Sir – " began the big burly man entering the room. "The staff got wise to our destination. They're...well, they're rioting Sir."

"What do you mean 'they got _wise_' Will? We didn't tell anyone where we were going."

"Well Sir, it appears a Lieutenant down on Deck 23 fancied some star gazing. Instead he was confronted with a red and white candy stripe barge. Even without the billboard saying,

'BAGUETTE BARGE.

FOR ALL YOUR BAGUETTEY NEEDS'

I believe he would have figured it out Sir. The 'Baguette Barge' is the stuff of many Academy legends Sir, you know that. Most people are lucky if they experience it even once in their lifetime. - "

"Well Will, I can assure you, if I don't get to order my baguette soon, there will be some rioting going on in THIS room," interrupted Beverly.

"Hang on a minute Beverly, what do you mean they're _rioting_ Will?" Jean-Luc looked panic stricken. He couldn't imagine his crew acting so ridiculously over a mere baguette. _*A mere baguette?* _he thought to himself. _*How could he think like that? A 'Baguette Barge' baguette was no mere baguette. It was the baguette dreams were made from.*_

Telling himself to focus, he pulled himself out of his own head to find Beverly scowling in his direction. _*Not only is a 'Baguette Barge' baguette the stuff dreams are made of, they are the stuff of the dreams of the woman of my dreams.*_ he thought to himself. He couldn't keep her any waiting any longer.

"What do you suggest Number One?"

"Well, Sir, I don't think there's anything to do but to give them what they want. We have two options – we sit here for the best part of a day whilst 1000 people order the best tasting baguette they've ever had in their lives, or, we sit here for the best part of god knows how long whilst the crew remain uncooperative. Either way, we're going to be sat here for a good while, I know which one _I'd_ opt for Sir."

Jean-Luc was not a man given to conceding to demands, but this was an extraordinary situation. How could he deprive his crew of their baguettey goodness?

"Very well, I'll make a ship wide announcement. Beverly, you go ahead and order ours. I'll be on the bridge." He tugged his jacket down as he exited the Ready Room, trusting that Beverly would make the correct choice for him.

"All hands, this is Captain Picard. As you are all aware by now, we are currently alongside 'The Baguette Barge.' If you wish to take advantage of our time here, Commander Riker will be happy to see that your order reaches the 'Baguette Barge' and will arrange to have your purchases transported directly to your quarters. A copy of the available baguettes will be sent to all terminals for you to peruse at your leisure. Make your choice count. Picard out."

"You're leaving me in charge of sorting all that out Sir?" questioned Will.

"Yes Number One, I can think of no one who would do a better job than you. Plus, you'll be able to think of your own baguette as the most well deserved in the entire universe.

Meanwhile, seeing as Beverly should have had ample time to order ours by now, Beverly and I shall retire to my quarters where we shall expect our baguettes to join us."

Jean-Luc lay the picnic blanket down on the floor of his living quarters and opened the bottle of wine to breathe. Beverly had contacted him half an hour before to say that she wanted to recreate the first time they had had baguettey goodness. So out the picnic blanket had come. _*Would the dress come out too?*_ he wondered.

The door chime sounded.

"Come!" He took a final glance at the blanket to make sure there were no creases and glanced up to greet his guest.

_*YOWZERS!*_ he thought. _*Twenty years later and she looks even better in that dress than the first time...Be still my mechanical beating heart!*_

Beverly noticed the look upon his face and allowed herself a little smile. _*Still got it*_ she thought to herself.

"Alright Jean-Luc, WHERE is my baguette? It's been torture waiting for it! I've never felt such anticipation for a meal!" Beverly declared after plopping herself down on the picnic blanket, resting her back against the sofa as a box displaying the 'Baguette Barge' logo materialised on top of the small table in front of her.

They sat there on the floor in silence as they tucked into their respective baguettes. Beverly let out a long contented moan.

"Ohhhhhh Jean-Luc, this is A-mazing! I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. Mmmmmmm."

Jean-Luc, who had just taken a bite, stopped chewing and stared at her. _*Gods, did the woman not know what this was doing to him?*_ When Beverly had swallowed she turned to face him and began laughing. Seeing that he had lain his baguette down momentarily, she leant over and pressed her lips to his cheek, swiping her tongue over him, causing him to jump.

As she pulled away, she said, whilst raising an eyebrow,

"You had some sweet chilli sauce on you. You wouldn't have wanted me to leave it there would you?"

Clearing his throat, Jean-Luc answered,

"Um, no, of course not Beverly."

"Don't you mean, of course not _Schnookums_?"

"Beverly..." warned Jean-Luc.

"What? It's not my fault you start talking nonsense when you think I'm far away is it?"

"Hmmmph!" came his reply. "How come you ordered me chicken with sweet chilli sauce anyway? Not that it doesn't taste amazing..."

"Well, I figured you could do with a little more adventure in your life."

"Oh really – " began Jean-Luc.

"Riker to Captain Picard."

Jean-Luc sighed. "Yes Number One?"

"Sir, we have a bit of a situation regarding the transportation of the remainder of the crew's baguettes. Somehow, Chief O'Brien has found out that he was at the very end of the ordering list meaning that he won't receive his baguette until last. He's not very happy Sir. He's refusing to transport the remainder of the baguettes on to the ship. It would seem he's not happy at having his baguettey goodness delayed."

"I see Number One. Did you not just think of sending someone else in to carry on with the transportation? Surely, call for such in sub ordinance is a spell in the brig?"

"Well, it would be Sir, _if_ we could get into the transporter room. O'Brien appears to have barricaded himself in Sir."

"I see. Then I think this calls for a different approach. Contact the 'Baguette Barge' and add a couple of custard doughnuts to Mr. O'Brien's order. Have it put on my bill."

"Yes Sir."

"Riker to Picard."

"Go ahead."

"Transportation has resumed to normal Captain. Mr. O'Brien thanks you for your generosity."

"I'm glad to hear that Number One. Picard out."

"Now...what was it you were saying about a little more adventure Beverly?"

He leaned towards her and boldly licked off the mayonnaise that lay on her lips.

"Or should I say, _Schnookums_?"


End file.
